Thursday, October 19, 2006

Hello, World!

Wait, don't go away! So I was moping around throwing myself a little pity party and Not Posting and I got linked on A Little Pregnant!

No, hold your applause, I wasn't linked because I am witty and charming and otherwise an All-Round Halfway Decent Person, I got linked because I asked to be. And Julie, gracious host of Linkdom that she is, acquiesed.

And then I stopped posting.

And the reason I stopped posting is because my real feelings around adoption right now are not very honourable: they are whiny, and privileged, and perhaps not the sort of thing folks referred from an infertility blog might want to look at.

But given that blogs are supposed to be for the reckless dissemination of The Ugly Truth, here goes:

I fantasize about giving up on adoption. Because its tooooo haaaaaard.

My privacy is invaded. I must lay bare Whether or Not I have Engaged in Pornography Watching, and Whether if I Did it Was Alone or With my Partner, and Why I Went to the Psychologist at Thirteen (can't remember, but it can't have been serious, or I would remember- right?) and How Many Family Members (Immediate and Extended) Have Ever Smoked Pot (hint- almost all of them, including Great Grandma, but she didn't inhale).

I am uncomfortable telling my (brown) partner how he should experience, interpret, and deal with racism (see below)

There is no guarantee of ANY kids in the system who match our criteria

Every time we have a homestudy, our worker (whom we like, Thank God) extends the homestudy by another session, and I don't want to say no, but I am also doing a hell of a lot of work juggling.

My (Spanish Speaking) partner often doesn't understand the questions and answers them incorrectly, unwittingly creating red flags that we then have to go ahead and discuss, and explain that no, he thought you meant X, and he was really trying to say Y, and it's TRUE, but I feel like if I was our SW I'd feel like the wife was trying to make the husband look good. Which is stressful.

I'm in the middle of moving house, and yet it must look presentable for the homestudy.

And I know that I'm a lucky fertile s.o.b., so to speak, and that if I gave up the worst thing that would be likely to happen is that I could give birth, with a bigger space between siblings than I wanted, and that I may be haunted for the rest of my life that I made the wrong decision, and there is a little person that was meant to be my child.

I'm tiiiiiireeeed.

*End Whining*

So, ummmm, welcome to my blog, y'all. Make yourselves at home. Coffee's on, and please put your feet on the table. I do.

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